


He Loves Ham

by emit98



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: NSFW, Other, Smut, swp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-10
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-05-06 01:31:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5397833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emit98/pseuds/emit98
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Laurens loves ham. Not Hamilton, actual ham.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Loves Ham

John Laurens was not homosexual. He was also not heterosexual, or bisexual, or any of the other types of -sexual most people commonly use.  
No, John Laurens was hamsexual.  
This did not mean he was attracted to Alexander Hamilton. This meant that he was attracted to ham. As in the meat. He was not attracted to the animals it came from, but simply the meat itself. Ever since he had first reached puberty, just the mere thought of the sweet pink meat made John's pants grow tight, his nipples grow hard, and his mouth water. He stole bits of the meat whenever he could. Chunks went into his butthole. He wrapped slices around his penis and masturbated himself with it. He would then eat the delicious pink meat, which was usually covered with some sort of him. He did not think his love was disgusting; he thought it was beautiful and unique.  
After selling his first drawing of a turtle, John saved every penny he earned. He kept saving his money until he finally had enough for a full ham. A full ham just for himself.  
John stashed it in his bag. He held his bag under his arm so that his family would not see it and try to take it away. Years of getting by on whatever he could sneak were not going to continue after today. He managed to get the ham up to his room.  
Using a pocket knife, John cut a tiny dent into the ham. He really wanted to make the hole himself, but needed some sort of starting point. John held it to his nipple to stimulate himself as his other hand gripped his ham. He positioned his already-hard cock against the hole he made with the knife.  
A few hard thrusts of his hips made the hole deeper. He groaned as he thrusted and his cock was stimulated by the delicious ham. The piece he cut off was rubbing on his nipple, giving that stimulus, too.  
John soon released his creamy white goo inside the ham. He took a deep breath and then slumped down on the bed. He held the ham to his chest, spooning it. He covered it with kisses, licks, and gentle bites.  
John's first love, that ham, lasted about a week before the smell got too bad. He threw it out at that point, but he was an anxious mess until he was able to get another one.  
John's childhood was spent buying hams whenever he could, and sneaking bits from the icebox when he could not. No one seemed to suspect anything.  
In his early adult years, acquiring hams was easier for John, since he had an actual job and could afford them on a weekly basis. Another good part about being an adult was that John had his own place to live. He did not have to sneak the ham so much, and he could be as loud as he wanted to when he made love to the delicious pink meat. He lived his days normally; doing his training for the revolution, protesting the British, fighting the occasional redcoat... All that normal stuff. All that while his love sat in the icebox. The icebox increased the lifespan, which John appreciated. He always felt a little bit sad whenever he had to throw out one of his moldy, pungent loves.  
Then, John's love life came to a screeching halt when he befriended Alexander Hamilton. The two decided to become roommates; John only agreed because it would seem suspicious if he refused, as there was no logical reason for it. He was also not about to tell Alexander that he fucked hams. Plus, Alexander's last name had the word Ham in it. John found that sort of attractive.  
Alexander became the first human being that John made love to. He had experience with the hams, but making love to Alexander was nowhere near as satisfying as making love to his hams was. It would have to make due, though.  
The best days were the day where John cooked and served his beloved food for dinner. The smell would linger for hours, but immediately after dinner, John would make love to Alex right there in the kitchen, with the leftovers still sitting on the table. He made love to Alexander doggy-style so that he could stare at his love without Alexander realizing that John's heart did not belong to him.  
The first time John made love with a woman was after a drunken night with his buddies. He saw Martha Manning across the bar. He could not remember her face. He could not remember her eyes, her hair, what she was wearing, or anything else.  
What he did remember was the plate in front of her. There was a ham sandwich on it.  
John made his move, using sweet talk and alcohol to flirt with her.  
The two were soon back at Martha's home. Her mouth still tasted like ham as the two exchanged sloppy drunk kisses.  
The sex itself was a blur. There was not any ham to look at while John did it, so it was really not satisfying.  
Satisfying or not, the night of drunken lovemaking led to Martha being pregnant. John, being the honorable man he was, married her right before he left for Charleston. The good thing about that was that he could easily make love to as many hams as he wanted, and no one would find his moans and groans suspicious. They would just think he was thinking about his wife. They would not know that his true love was in the room with him, being fucked mercilessly.  
As the war went on, John went through more and more hams. He kept a small slice in his pocket at all times to give himself a morale boost. If I survive this battle, John thought to himself, I can go home and see my love.  
Every night after making love to his ham, John would hold it close. He would cover the soft pink meat with kisses. He wished desperately that ham was able to get pregnant. He wished that he and his lover could have some evidence of their love. He imagined the baby. It would have his eyes and hair, and it would have the ham's shape and perfection. He would name their child after his best friend, Alexander Hamilton.  
The day John died was the only day he did not have a slice of ham in his pocket; he had not been able to get to the deli in order to get some.  
His last thought was of his one true love: ham.


End file.
